I used to tell my mom before she died, that if she knew what was good for her, she would never commit homicide. I know that sounds like something the Gambinos might growl at each other, but I didn’t tell her that just to protect her hide from me, or my hide from her. I told her that because she was Kleenex challenged.

Wherever she reposed, a Kleenex would appear. It happened as day follows night. The sofa would have several tucked into the cushions where she liked to sit. I warned her against the crime of homicide, knowing that she would leave a tissue behind giving her identity away better than any fingerprint, better than any sneaker print in blood blasting out an ID, better than if the deceased was able to scrawl out the killer’s name before drawing his last breath.

This habit of hers wasn’t particularly disturbing, it was just one of those quirks. Her other quirks were asking me what people said in movies. ‘They don’t speak up’, she’d complain. ‘People don’t articulate anymore’. I’d tell her what the person said, and since this was before the days of pausing, I’d miss the next words.

I’d get impatient with her criticisms of young people, their fashions, their haircuts, their fast driving. I didn’t understand her lack of adventure when it came to food, or her hesitation in making decisions. I was always ready to drop everything and go, whether it was a road trip, or moving cross country. I didn’t understand why she was so uptight when it came to sex in the movies, or why she thought my generation was so disgusting about those things.

It was not at all the same when we moved out the old sofa, and pulled at least fifty tissues, five magazines, and various other articles from under the cushions where I normally sit. I need those tissues. It is not at all the same when I have to pause a movie and rewind it to hear what that mumbling actor just said. People just refuse to articulate.

It is certainly not the same with the young people. They really do look ridiculous in those clothes, and they drive way too fast. They are too liberal and indiscreet. They should work on controlling their baser urges. Furthermore, I don’t want to jump into every decision right away because actions have consequences, and we have to be careful.

And that spicy food upsets my tummy. It is not the same thing at all with me, as it was with her.