I read recently about a woman in another country who had wanted to have a baby for all of her married life, which was a very long time considering her age as of this writing, but was unable to. Finally, she conceived at the tender age of seventy, or something close to assisted living age.

When my first response of ‘Holy Cow’ had finished echoing through the house, and ‘holy cow’ was apt as this woman lives in India, I started considering some of the conveniences a new mom at seventy may have that were unavailable to me when I became a mom.

I have a son, but I have heard that mothers and daughters are always borrowing the clothing and accessories of the other. ‘Depends’ underwear is probably sized for adults, but presumably could be made to fit someone smaller, someone who is perhaps running low on diapers. That is a definite convenience for these two.

I also happen to know that babies, unlike foals, are not born walking. Foals aren’t really either, but they figure out how to do it within minutes of emerging from the womb, probably because mares refuse to bend down to let the foals nurse. If you want the titty, you are going to have to come up here, is their slogan. This woman’s baby will not figure this out for a year or two, but I don’t even want to think about the logistics of nursing from a seventy-year old breast. Therefore, the baby may need an apparatus with wheels until it masters walking.

Apparatuses (apparati?) with wheels are endemic to our country. These vehicles of convenience for mothers can be found blocking every sidewalk and every aisle of every big box store, everywhere. I have been knocked off the sidewalk and into the grass, or the street, more than once by two mothers walking side by side with their progeny walking beside them, their strollers filled with coats, toys, shopping bags, and bottles. Needless to say, a seventy-year old woman with a new baby will need something that carries all her belongings, unless she has continued weight-lifting into her golden years.

I am not sure when it happened that mothers decided to stop carrying their babies in their arms. I’m thinking it was around the time that they decided to keep wearing four-inch heels after becoming a mother. If you are loaded up in front with a baby, while teetering on spikes, your balance is akin to that of a talented poodle who knows how to dance on a ball on two paws. It may also have started when Larry Law said we had to strap a baby in a separate seat in the rear of the car. It was just easier to haul the seat out with the baby in it, every time you stopped the car.

This elderly primagravita and her offspring will be able to share their stroller, if not the removable car seat. Perhaps I can design one that doubles as a walker, with a backward-facing drop seat, such as my mother used for awhile. Remember, this was my idea and this blog post records that fact. Just sayin…

The conveniences these two can share puts the truth to that old saying, the one that has not been true since about 1954: ‘Two can live as cheaply as one’. Since it is possible neither has teeth, they can also share the baby food.

If I could manage to conceive, I could really make this work for me. I could collect social security at the same time I was deducting for child care. Every discount in restaurants and movies available to my child, is available to seniors.

Two really could live as cheaply as one…